Reading Your Stories 3 – Dankbarkeit

Written By: Emanuel Updated: April 18, 2024

Hello everyone,

and welcome to the third episode of

Reading Your Stories

For those of you who are new here – in each episode of this series, I take one short text that one of you has sent me, and I correct it and comment on why I made the corrections that I made, so you can learn from the mistakes.
And I also read out the corrected version and give you a line by line translation to English as well.
So you can use this to practice listening, reading and if you want to you can also try to find the mistakes yourself, and practice some grammar that way :).

Today’s story, called “Dankbarkeit” comes from Parul and not only does it contain a bunch of interesting mistakes and sentences, it also has a really beautiful and inspiring message, and I am really happy to share it with you all.

So are you ready to jump in?
Then let’s go!

As usual, we’ll start with the corrected version. I’ll read it out and you can  follow along with the transcription below.
If you want to go to the corrections first, just scroll down to that part :)

Correct Version with Translations

***

Here’s the audio:

(click here, to download the mp3)

 

Dankbarkeit
Gratefulness

Dass sie mich nicht sehen konnte, bemerkte ich sofort und starrte sie von Kopf bis Fuß an, als sie die Rolltreppe hochkam.

I immediately recognized that she couldn’t see me and stared at her from head to toe as she came up the escalator.

Ihre langen glänzenden Haare, ihre schöne Figur und ihr Selbstbewusstsein fielen mir ins Auge, und ich bemerkte, wie schön sie war.

Her long shining hair, her beautiful physique and her confidence caught my eye, and I noticed how beautiful she was.

Aber so wie der Mond mit einer Narbe gestaltet ist, so war sie.

But like the moon is created with a scar, so she was.

Es war kaum zu fassen, dass sie blind war. Vermutlich war sie in ihren Zwanzigern. Ich hatte in diesem Moment eine Art Mitleid mit ihr und fühlte mich ein bisschen unglücklich in meinen Gedanken.

It was hard to believe that she was blind. She was probably in her twenties. For a moment, I had a kind of pity for her and I felt a little sad with my thoughts.

Nur ein paar Minuten, und das hübsche Mädchen mit dem weißen Stock war an mir vorbeigegangen und dann aus meinem Blick in das Gedränge der U-Bahn-Station in Fürth verschwunden.

Only a few minutes and the beautiful girl with the white stick has passed me by and then disappeared from my view in the crowd of the metro station in Fürth.

Aber sie ist mir bis heute in Erinnerung geblieben.

But she stayed in my memory.

Deshalb erzähle ich euch heute von ihr. Kein Wunder, dass es Menschen mit verschiedenen Behinderungen um uns herum gibt, die, auch wenn es nicht immer leicht für sie ist, das Leben umarmen und weitergehen.

That’s why I am telling you about her today. No wonder that there are people with different disabilities around us, who embrace life and keep going, even if it’s not always easy for them.

Seitdem ich nach Deutschland gekommen bin, bin ich für all das achtsam geworden, was ich habe oder nicht, sowohl für die Menschen, die Beziehungen in meinem Leben und auch für meine gute körperliche Verfassung.

Since I came to Germany, I became mindful for all that I have or don’t have, also for the people, the relationships in my life and my good physical condition/my healthy body.

Und ich finde wirklich keinen Grund, warum Dankbarkeit nicht mein Motiv sein sollte. Ich bedanke mich bei dem Universum für diesen Moment, für alles.
Danke Universum.

And I really can’t find a reason, why gratefulness shouldn’t be my guiding motif. I thank the universe for this moment, for everything.
Thank you, Universe.

 

***

Cool :).
And now time for the original.

Original with Corrections and Comments

Now, we’ll go through the original text bit by bit.
As usual, I’ll give an indication of how many “things” there are in each section, divided by “mistakes” (actual mistakes) and “notes”, which are things that are changed, but that are not really wrong wrong.
So you can read the original section, and then try to find the issues yourself first before you check my commentary :).
Viel Spaß!!

***

Dankbarkeit

 

(4 mistakes)
Da sie mich nicht sehen konnte, gemerkte ich sofort und starrte sie vom Kopf bis zum Fuß an als sie die Rolltreppe hoch kam.
  •  “da” should be “dass”
  • “gemerkte” can be “merkte” or “bemerkte”. “bemerkte” is better here because the context here is a quick instant noticing.
  • “vom Kopf bis zum Fuß” is not wrong, but the idiomatic phrasing is “von Kopf bis Fuß”
  • “hochkam” is one word
(3.5 mistakes, 1.5 notes)
Ihre lange glänzende Haare, schöne Figur, und ihr selbstbewusstsein fiel mir auf ins Auge und ich bemerkte, wie hübsch sie aussah.
  • “ihre langen glänzenden Haare” the adjective endings were wrong. This is plural, so there needs to be an “n” at the end.
  • “ihre” should be repeated before “schöne Figur”. The first “ihre” is for a plural, so it’s a tiny bit weird to have it also introduce a singular noun like “Figur”. It’s better style to repeat it, because it’s two different pronouns even though they look the same.
  • “Selbstbewusstsein” is a noun, so it needs to be capitalized.
  • “fielen mir…” – we’re talking about multiple features here, so the verb needs to be plural
  • “hübsch aussehen” is not wrong, but sounds mundane and not very “epic”. To me, “schön sein” is the better fit for the tone of the story, but ultimately that is for the author to decide, of course.
(1 note)
Aber, wie der Mond mit einer Narbe gestaltet ist, war sie.
  • The original is not wrong (apart from the initial comma), but adding two “so” makes it way more fluid and idiomatic. “So wie der Mond [], so war sie. “
(3 mistakes)
Es war mir das kaum zu fassen, dass sie blind war. Vermütlich war sie in ihren zwanzigern.
  •  The “mir” in the first sentence has to go.
  • “vermutlich” without umlaut.
  • “Zwanziger” is a noun, so it needs to be capitalized.
(1 note)
Ich hatte in diesem Moment eine Art Mitleid mit ihr und fühlte mich ein bisschen unglücklich in meinem Gedanken.
The sentence overall feels a tiny bit off, but I can’t really change it without knowing what exactly the author was focusing on. It’s not wrong, it’s just not something a native speaker would write.
(3 mistakes, 2 notes)
In ein paar minuten war mir das hübsche Mädchen mit dem weißen Stock vorbeigegangen und dann aus dem sicht in das Gedränge der U-Bahn Station in Fürth verschwunden.
  • “in ein paar Minuten” sounds a bit like “in a few minutes from now”. The more clear options for this context would be “innerhalb von”  or simply “nach”, but the first one is too technical sounding and the second one feels like too much time. So I decided to go with an elliptical “Nur ein paar Minuten, und…. “. It fits the slightly poetic tone of the story best
  • “minuten” is a noun and needs to be capitalized
  • “vorbeigehen” takes its object with “an+Dative”, so it’s “an mir vorbeigegangen”
  • the “location” (an mir) has to come close to the verb “vorbeigehen” because it’s the most defining
  • “aus meinem Blick” is the idiomatic choice for the idea that something leaves your field of vision. “Sicht” can also refer to your angle, your perspective, so it’s misleading here. Also, “Blick” sounds a bit more poetic.
(1 mistake, 2 notes)
Aber sie ist bis heute in meinen Erinerrungen geblieben.
Deshalb erzähle ich es euch heute.
  • Typo for “Erinnerungen”
  • The first sentence is not wrong and works fine, but “mir in Erinnerung bleiben” is by far the more common way to phrase this
  • The second sentence is not wrong, but “es” doesn’t really connect to anything. I changed it to “erzählte von ihr”, which also sounds more poetic.
(3 mistakes, 2 notes)
Kein Wunder, dass es Menschen mit verschiedenen Behinderungen um uns existerieren, die auch wenn es nicht immer leicht für sie ist, umarmen das Leben und gehen weiter.
  • I am not sure what the author was going for with “Kein Wunder”, so I left it as is, but it doesn’t really make sense to me in the context of the sentence.
  • “dass es Menschen [] existieren” seems to be a mix of “existieren” and “es gibt”. I find “geben” to be the better option, because “existieren” sounds a bit technical. Maybe “um uns herum leben” would be even better.
  • I changed “um uns” to “um uns herum” because “um uns” alone is ambiguous and could be a zu-construct. With “herum” it’s clear and more idiomatic.
  • “das Leben umarmen” is the right word order, because we’re in a relative sentence (verb at the end)
  • “weitergehen” is the correct order (see above).
(4 mistakes, 1 note)
Seitdem ich in Deutschland gekommen bin, bin ich auf alles achtsam geworden, was ich verfüge oder nicht und sowohl auf die Menschen, die Beziehungen in meinem Leben als auch auf meine gute körperliche Kondition.
  • “nach Deutschland”, not “in Deutschland”
  • “achtsam” goes with “für”, not “auf”
  • “verfügen” would need an “über”, so it should be “über das ich verfüge”, but that sounds rather technical and also “possessive”, so I changed it to “haben”.
  • the “und” before “sowohl” sounds weird and out of place.
  • “körperliche Kondition” is not wrong, but sounds too “sporty”. “körperliche Verfassung” is the more idiomatic term in a context like this.
(2 notes)
Und ich finde wirklich keinen Gründ, warum Dankbarkeit nicht mein Motiv sein sollte. Ich bedanke mich bei dem Universum, für diesem Moment, für alles.
Danke Universum, danke Emanuel.
  • “Grund” without umlaut.
  • I took out “Emanuel” because I don’t have anything to do with this story and it feels wrong as the very end of it, but I left it in here because I also wanted to respect the original text as it was sent in. Quite the conundrum :D.

***

And that’s it for today :).
Let me know in the comments, if you have any questions about any of the corrections and how you liked the story.
Oh, and if you’d like to be featured in this series, just send a story to info@german-is-easy.com.
It doesn’t have to perfect or super slick. The goal here is not to impress but to learn together and also get to know you (the readers) a little bit.
Write from the heart, not from the dictionary :).
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, have a great week and I’ll see you next time.

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